Home sweet home....who would'ne thought?

Well, I made it. On Monday I had my checkride at IFS, and somehow, by the grace of God, passed. I cannot even begin to tell you all the relief when at the end of the ride my IP (instructor pilot) asked if I had any more questions. I asked if his comments meant I could go home yet...he said yes. In that moment it was as if a giant weight was lfted from my shoulders. It was awesome. I'm still not sure how I passed, or how I made it through the course, but by the amazing grace of God I did just that. I am not back at Laughlin an jumping head first back into life here. Hope all is well.

Another week done...heading home soon

Well, another week here in Pueblo is finished, thank God. This last week was a complex one to be sure. It was full of highs and lows. The highs were, well pretty freakin amazing. The lows, well they were pretty freakin sucky. This week was also full of firsts. I flew by myself for the first time. Whenever I say or write those words, it seems so surreal. Three weeks ago I had never been inside a small aircraft. On Thursday I flew one all by myself. Strang. This week was also a first in that I failed at something. Though of course I have failed at many things over the years, I have not failed in something of much significance in a decade. Over the last few years, whenever I have set my mind to something, I have been able to attain it. Whether that was in academics, ROTC, fitness, or anything else, I did not fail. Well on Thursday, following my awesome solo flight, I failed my second ride of the day. And it sucked. On Thursday afternoon, I was supposed to have my second to last flight, followed by my last one on Friday. Well that didn't happen.

During that flight, everything that could go wrong seemed to. Despite my ability to land 11 times earlier that morning, no matter how hard I tried that afternoon, I could not get the plane on the ground. With 13kt cross winds, all my efforts were to no avail. Then, when I got out to my practice area (where we do manuevers), I could not do them to save my life. Before we even got out of the plane back at Pueblo, my instructor told me I would be repeating that flight. It was a punch in the gut. I had tried so hard, and I had done my very best with every "landing" and every manuever, yet it didn't matter. My very best effort still resulted in a failure. For someone who is not used to such things, it is a very difficult pill to swallow. But, at the same time, it was a good. I suppose it is good to fail every once in a while. It is good to have something kick our butts, and it is good to be reminded that our best simply is not good enough. Only is our best through God good enough. That is an important lesson to learn. This was a good time to learn it.

On a happier note, I did redo the flight on Friday, and though I did not feel it to be my strongest flight since being here, my instructor (a different guy) gave me the best grades I've received thus far, and said I was ready for my check ride on Monday. So, God willing, I will be completing my final ride here in Pueblo on Monday, and pass or fail, I will be leaving here by Wed (weather permitting).

As I head into this final flight, your continued prayers would be much much appreciated.

A Day on the Mountain

Frustrations and Prayers

This will be my last post of the weekend, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because it means that in a two hours I need to be in bed so that I can wake up at 3:00am to get ready for my formal briefing at 0420 and my flight briefing at 0510am. That will pretty much be this week. Should be fun, no? I title this entry "frustrations and prayers," because in many ways that is what life right now is like.

The frustrations come out in a number of ways. Frustrations at not being able to do a good landing yet. Frustrations at being 3-5 flights behind most of my friends because I keep getting weathered out of flights. Frustrations that it looks like I will not get out of here for more than a week, when most of my friends will be leaving sometime this week. Frustrations at trying to give my all, but constantly feeling like I just can't hack it. Those kind of frustrations.

Prayers are the result of these frustrations. Or, at least, I am trying to make them the results. A friend back at Laughlin put it best. Before I came, he said this place will do one of two things to you. It will drive you to God, or it will drive you to beer. For most here, booze is the direction they go. For me, I refuse to go down that road. Thus, the option left to me is God, and I am glad for it. I would be lying if I said that every moment of the day I am laying all this at his feet. But I sure as hell am trying too. I don't like carrying this, and I don't like being constantly frustrated or upset. It just doesn't work for me. All of your prayers mean the world to me, and if it were not for them, I have no doubt I would have given up before now. It seems to me that it is all of you who have prayed me through the last six months. Through the difficulty of moving to TX, and through all the challenges that came from that. And now, it is you once again who are praying me through here. I don't know what will happen here in the coming week, but I do know that whatever it is, it will not be a result of a lack of petition on my behalf. It will be the will of the Lord. I am overwhelmed by the love and support of all of you, and am so incredibly greatful.

As I head into week number 3 of flying, your continued prayer and petition, grace and love, are appreciated more than I could ever express. I love you all.

Week two...and a little bit

Well there she is, another week down. One or two to go, depending on weather, passing my flights, and all sorts of other stuff. It is hard to believe that I have only been here for a little over two weeks. In all honesty, it feels as though I have been here a lifetime. Days here go by slower than I could have ever imagined. I miss being able to talk to my love every day for an hour, and my parents, sisters, and friends regularly. I miss being able to relax when I come home, and being able to enjoy my evenings. Yet, I am glad to be having this experience.

It is hard to explain the things that are going on in my head and heart, and every time I attempt to put them into words, I find myself rather befuddled. How does one explain what it's like to feel discouraged every day? How does one put into words the million feelings that rush through one's mind and body as you attempt to try something you have never done before, all the while being overwhelmed by a feeling of impossibility. Fear of failure. Fear of inability. Fear of the future. Pride. Refusal to admit difficulty. Discouragement at not being able to do something even when you are doing everything within your power to be able to do it.

As many of you know, I have often found myself at the top of my class, and have rarely found things that I have been unable to do well. When I have found those things, I have generally quickly turned the other direction and left them in the rear-view mirror (ie: playing an instrument). But now, I am stuck here, doing something where not only am I not the top of my class, but rather I am struggling to stay here at all. And, quite frankly, I don't like it...not one bit. But, in all honesty, it's probably exactly what I need. I could not agree more with my big sis Amy. Sometimes we need to fail. Some times we need to struggle. Sometimes we need to be able to admit we can't do something, or be able to acknowledge that our best is barely enough to get by, or not enough to get by at all. There is indeed something to be said about bringing one's fears and failures to the Lord.

I said above that despite these trials, I am glad for this experience. Even writing those words seems kind of crazy to me. But it's true. I am glad because of the opportunities it gives me. It gives me the opportunity to once again place my fears, discouragement, and apprehensions at the feet of God. Actually, it's more like throw them at his feet, because if I don't I'll end up holding onto them. It gives me the opportunity to to rely on the support and encouragement of my friends and family. It gives me the opportunity to build perseverance muscle and do keep on pushing through even when I don't want to. This is difficult muscle to build, and it is only built through experience. It gives me an opportunity to break down my pride, and an opportunity for me to admit my struggles and challenges to those around me. It gives me an opportunity to fight for joy, and for peace, and for grace (from God, from those who surround me now, and from myself). These are all opportunities that do not arise during regular, everyday work. May God give me the strength to take advantage of these opportunities.

Flight numero 3

Well there you have it. Flight numero 3 down...11 to go. First of all, I wanted you all to know that I really appreciate your love and support, and constant prayer. I do not know how this whole thing will end, but I do know that it is your prayer and support that is helping me be willing to get out of bed each of these mornings, and run head-first at the challenges I face. I flew again this afternoon, and to say that it was a rough flight would be an understatement. With challenging winds gusting up to 22knots (that's quite a bit), I felt as though I was fighting the wind god for over an hour. That, my friends, is tiring indeed. After many failed attempts at landings (which sounds kind of funny if you really think about it), and a bit of air sickness, I did manage to make it back to Pueblo, get my plane where it needed to be, and even get some dinner. Now as I head to go chair fly (that is sitting in a chair and pretending you are flying) I can only say that this is an unparalleled experience. When I went through field training (boot camp) a few years ago, I expressed how I felt as though it was the hardest thing I had done (and it probably was). I am still grateful for that experience, and the once in a life time lessons I was able to learn. I expect that this will be a similar experience. As I head into day two of week three, I say lets go. Whatever happens happens. God is in control. All I can do is give it my best tomorrow...and see what happens.

Week two: uh oh

Well, I have now completed two flights here at IFS...and it is hard. The movies make flying look so easy, but it isn't. There are a million things going on all at once. You checking airspeed, altitude, listening to the radio, looking at your GPS, trying to follow ground tracks, and that is just for straight and level flight. To say that these two weeks have been difficult is just scratching the surface. It has been far more than hard. In fact, it made me want to quite. As you probably know, I am not a quitter. I never have been. But after two flights, that's exactly what I wanted to do. Thankfully, my fiance and then my dad gave me the wise advice they always do, why not stick it out. If you decide you don't want to fly, then you can decide it after you have completed this program. Why shut this door now when you don't have to. Maybe it will be shut for you if you end up washing out, or maybe it won't. Either way, what do you have to lose by plugging away for two more weeks. The answer, needless to say, is nothing. I'm afraid of failing. It has always been that way, and if I am honest with myself and with others, I should admit that I am really afraid of failing here. Yet, at the same time, over the past day, God has given me a real peace. The best way to describe this place is "whatever happens happens." There are no guarentees here. There is no way to know that you will pass. I have lost two friends to washing out this last week. Both of them intelligent dudes. There are no guarentees. But hey, maybe that's the way it should be.