Week two...and a little bit

Well there she is, another week down. One or two to go, depending on weather, passing my flights, and all sorts of other stuff. It is hard to believe that I have only been here for a little over two weeks. In all honesty, it feels as though I have been here a lifetime. Days here go by slower than I could have ever imagined. I miss being able to talk to my love every day for an hour, and my parents, sisters, and friends regularly. I miss being able to relax when I come home, and being able to enjoy my evenings. Yet, I am glad to be having this experience.

It is hard to explain the things that are going on in my head and heart, and every time I attempt to put them into words, I find myself rather befuddled. How does one explain what it's like to feel discouraged every day? How does one put into words the million feelings that rush through one's mind and body as you attempt to try something you have never done before, all the while being overwhelmed by a feeling of impossibility. Fear of failure. Fear of inability. Fear of the future. Pride. Refusal to admit difficulty. Discouragement at not being able to do something even when you are doing everything within your power to be able to do it.

As many of you know, I have often found myself at the top of my class, and have rarely found things that I have been unable to do well. When I have found those things, I have generally quickly turned the other direction and left them in the rear-view mirror (ie: playing an instrument). But now, I am stuck here, doing something where not only am I not the top of my class, but rather I am struggling to stay here at all. And, quite frankly, I don't like it...not one bit. But, in all honesty, it's probably exactly what I need. I could not agree more with my big sis Amy. Sometimes we need to fail. Some times we need to struggle. Sometimes we need to be able to admit we can't do something, or be able to acknowledge that our best is barely enough to get by, or not enough to get by at all. There is indeed something to be said about bringing one's fears and failures to the Lord.

I said above that despite these trials, I am glad for this experience. Even writing those words seems kind of crazy to me. But it's true. I am glad because of the opportunities it gives me. It gives me the opportunity to once again place my fears, discouragement, and apprehensions at the feet of God. Actually, it's more like throw them at his feet, because if I don't I'll end up holding onto them. It gives me the opportunity to to rely on the support and encouragement of my friends and family. It gives me the opportunity to build perseverance muscle and do keep on pushing through even when I don't want to. This is difficult muscle to build, and it is only built through experience. It gives me an opportunity to break down my pride, and an opportunity for me to admit my struggles and challenges to those around me. It gives me an opportunity to fight for joy, and for peace, and for grace (from God, from those who surround me now, and from myself). These are all opportunities that do not arise during regular, everyday work. May God give me the strength to take advantage of these opportunities.