A world upside-down

Almost 11 months ago, I loaded everything I owned into my Nissan Xterra, and hit the road for Del Rio, TX. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into. I had no idea that I would be living in a little version of the town I grew up in (Bakerfield). I didn't know that in a couple months I would be engaged, or that I would meet my best AF friend the first day I showed up on base. I didn't know that I would drive close to 6,000 miles in the next four months, or that I would spend four of the hardest weeks of my life trying to learn how to fly in the AF context. I didn't know that I would get married. What I did know was that I was embarking on an adventure. And I was right. At the time I titled this blog "Adventures Make Great Stories," because I knew that many of these adventures would be challenging, and would, at the time, challenge me spiritually, physically, and emotionally as I had never experienced. But I also knew that those same adventures/challenges would leave me with stories I had never imagined. I was right.

Now, 11 months later, I consider calling it a day on one adventure, and embarking on another in which I have no idea what I am getting myself into. Many of you know that I have struggled long and hard with this whole being a pilot thing. I have more than once over the past 11 months questioned whether this is the "thing" for me. I questioned what I was doing here in TX, and desperately wanted to quit the screening program in CO (thank you to all who prayed for me during these times). When I completed the program in CO, I told myself that I would go ahead and give this flying thing here in Del Rio a shot. God had once again left the door open for me to walk through, and who am I to not walk through an open door? Well i have walked through that door, and now two months into the program, I am questioning whether this is where I am meant to be.

As my dad has pointed out to me many times before, God seeks to give us the desires of our hearts. Being an AF pilot has long been the desire of my heart. As long as I can remember, flying has been what I have wanted to do with my life. Being a pilot is what everyone sees me as, and it has been my goal. God has graciously allowed me to pursue this desire for years, but I am not so convinced it is God's end game for me. In fact, I am rather confident it is not.

This has been hard for me to grasp, and harder for me to consider it's implications. While talking about what the future would look like if I walked away from this opportunity, Ashley asked that I step back and really think about the things that I would be giving up were I to walk away. Agreeing to do so, I was forced to realize the gravity of such a decision. It is not that I had not thought about the many things I would be giving up before, but it was the first time I thought of them all at the same time. I though of walking into my commander's office and quitting, of turning in my g-suit and flight helmet. I thought of never walking out and strapping into another plane, of not pulling Gs, and of not standing outside in front of the planes a year from now in front of my family and friends having my wings pinned on. I thought of not waiting with anticipation to find out my aircraft and find out what type of mission I would be doing. I thought about not doing follow on training. I thought about getting to my base after here and seeing all the planes and realizing that I could have flown one of those. I thought of not having a guaranteed 10 year future in the AF, and the fact that in 4 years, I would have to face a lot of these same decisions again. I thought of the way my friends would react, and my family as well. I thought about all my pilot friends here who would ask me why in the world I would walk away, and how I would have to try to explain my decision. I thought about Ashley and how she would have to answer the same questions among the wives. I thought of leaving our home sooner rather than later, and having to start over from scratch after only a year. I thought about a lot of things, but I also thought of what the future would look like on the other side of the decision. On the other side was a future even brighter.

Let me paint the picture that I see. I see a future where I do not wake up each morning just praying to make it through the day, and nearly sick with stress because I so desperately don't want to fly that day. I see a future where I actually get to see my beautiful wife, and someday, our beautiful kids. I see a future where my kids don't forget who I am because I have been away from home for nearly 200 days that year flying around the world. I see a future where I get to use my gifts and lead people as an officer should. I see unique opportunities to serve my country (not that flying would not be a very unique opportunity...just different). I see peace that this debate that has raged within me for the last couple years finally be put to rest. I see a different type of graduation. I see getting to my next base and plugging into a new community, and getting to know a very different side of the air force. I see myself doing something I actually enjoy. I see myself leaving Del Rio with good memories, and with good times under my belt, but without regret. I see a future where I actually have the time and the energy to do the things I like to do. I see a life where my wife and I can get involved in our church together and serve together. I see opportunities to go where we really want to, and to do what we want to. If I am honest, I see much more light down this road than down the other.

(a day break in writing)

Well that is that. I will be posting more soon.